Friday, February 13, 2009

Embarking on a long, strange journey

Hi world! Not that anyone actually reads this, but what ev. As of late, my life is completely beyond my wildest dreams. I'm in school, and excelling. I am in a healthy, loving relationship with THE most amazing man I've ever met. I live in a nice apartment that we can afford. I don't have debt collectors calling me daily. My bills are always paid on time. It's really pretty awesome.

I owe all of this to stopping drinking. I don't know if any of you are aware, but I had a serious problem with alcohol. It was pretty much ruining my life. I stood to lose everything, and decided to make a change. So I quit. Completely. It's been 74 days without a drink, and the obsession has completely vanished. When I first quit I had a really tough time. I lost "friends," which turned out to be just drinking buddies. It's hard when you realize you're alone. But I gained so much more- I have new friends, true friends who like me for who I am. I have a supportive family, who isn't ashamed of me and doesn't get drunken crazy phone calls from me or Steve anymore. I don't wake up in the morning not going how I got home, and wondering just how big of an ass I made of myself the night before (the fact that I made an ass of myself was pretty predictable, just to what caliber I didn't know). I quit smoking, except every once in awhile I have half of a cigarette, which I don't really count, and am working on quitting, too. It's crazy that eliminating one thing in my life has changed me so much. In addition to just the physical changes, I've noticed spiritual changes. I'm an all around better person. I don't lie or omit things anymore (which is just as bad as lying). I don't hold resentments- live and let live, dude. Seriously. I don't worry about what other people think of me, because that isn't what's important. I have a relationship with some sort of higher power- I'm not religious, mind you. That's just not me. But I've stopped denying what's inevitably out there, and it feels good to know that I'm NOT alone. I've stopped being selfish and have kinda discovered who I am, and why I'm here. It feels good to know that I'm not a bad person anymore. Amazing, actually- I just can't put into words the freedom I have now. 

That being said, it's time for me to get physically healthy. There's no reason not to. I already dedicate a portion of my day to school, and to staying clean, so what's another hour or so to better myself and my body? It's not that hard- I did it before, but went about it all wrong. I have to constantly remind myself that it's not a race. I have to take everything one day at a time, otherwise I will fail. Period. 

I'm proud of the person I've become, and know that I can do this, too.

1 comment:

babybrewer said...

Holy shit beckers! That could have came from my mouth when I quit drinking as well! Im so proud of you and I think its so awesome that youre feeling and doing better. Its so weird when you actually realize that moment of clarity and are just like ohhhhhh... i get it! life is really made up of little moments of things and particles and energy. Its really a shame to mask that and try to forget about it, you know? I <3 you darling and you may consider me a friend and not a drinking buddy. <3<3<3<3 Leeann